Nothing is normal.

Okay, so I ended up going to a chiropractor to get some x-rays and other screenings done for my back. He was concerned about a few things, so I will be going back to see him after I'm done with school this week.
Also, if anyone would like to recommend an OB-GYN, I'm not too happy with the one that I'm seeing right now and I am still having serious issues.


-K

weird.

So I have this weird tight feeling in my spine right in the middle of my back and i'm feeling lightheaded and my hands and feet are numb and my arms and legs are tingling and feel heavy... this just feels really weird and i don't really know what to do. it's not so much pain as just discomfort.
advice?

-K

My heart is aching so much.

I cannot wait until this is all over.

-K

Running on E

I need to sleep.

How on earth do i start sleeping again.

3-4 interrupted hours every night is just not enough.
and my body is really feeling it.

I am so exhausted. My whole body is so exhausted.

This really bites.

I can't function like this.

There has to be a better way to do this.

There has to be a better way to do this.
...you know. the whole 'life' and 'living' thing.

I have this tendency to run myself into the ground. To go until I cannot go anymore.
I feel like I am wasting my time if I am not being productive. Eat quickly. Don't sleep too much. Don't do anything that isn't work... or else, you are wasting your time.

Well, that philosophy basically sucks, and let me tell you why.
If I go until I just can't anymore... I will spend days and days and days recuperating until I can start going again... and then my state will be weaker. And if I try to push myself again, I can't go with the same fervor and I don't have the same endurance. And eventually I can't do much of anything.

So I'm trying to learn to take time during the day to... just breathe. However, influenced by my impatience and the amount of work I have to do, it is hard for me to spend time not being stressed out, but just taking time to relax and breathe. And if I get to a day where I need to choose between my health and my grades (this happens frequently, actually...), then I must carefully weigh the importance and the pros and cons. Which sometimes means that I must take a day to rest. And while this means my academics or my relationships may take the heat for it... If I get myself into a state where I no longer have the choice and I am forced to spend days and days in bed... Those things will suffer much greater. So I suppose I am learning the lesser of two evils. But that has been no easy task for me.

I have been eating better. drinking more water. being less stupid. you know. It would probably help if I wasn't so darn stubborn. but hey! ...not gonna happen.

So there's an update from me.

It's wonderful to have everyone think you're simply incompetent and lazy. But I take prideful joy in knowing that... I am smarter and better than them in every way. (...) (!)


K

Seminary of Affliction

Well... I'm back at school.
more thoughts on that later...

Getting my wisdom teeth out sunk me for about a week because the medicine made me pretty sick.

Right now I have an awesome migraine and really want a toradol shot in my butt. i am resisting.

There isn't too much to report, I suppose. Trying to sleep... Trying to eat... i'd give myself about a B where those are concerned... which is... okay.

My knees ache. and my hips. and my back. i get up in the morning and think... there is no way I am 18. There is just no way. I am rapidly aging or something (not in a creepy Benjamin Button sort of way but in a sadder degenerative way).

I detest the cold. it makes everything hurt worse.

I can't take a shower anymore without nearly fainting.

I think I'm a little depressed today.

I look back and realize just how strong I am. I look at myself now and think... How am i possibly doing this? and then I remember...
I have a very mighty God.
What I am doing is superhuman. literally. Everyday is a miracle. and i don't mean that in a... water froze into ice... what a beautiful miracle... no. I mean it as a truly amazing accomplishment that at the end of every day I am alive and am a full time college student and am dealing with a whole lot of other crap pretty amazingly.

I'm a little less depressed now, I suppose.


Every day is a struggle. But that means every day has the potential to be a victory, as well.

-K

Nothing Surprises Me Anymore

Today I got x-rays of my teeth. Found out I have 4 wisdom teeth, and have an emergency extraction scheduled for tomorrow morning. This should be interesting considering I can not have the typical medications and will experience other complications. In any case, prayers would be appreciated if you think of me tomorrow around 9am or in the following days.